The Constant Pursuit of Ghosts

A: I am glad, now.

When it first started in 2003, I was so arrogant about my experiences.  I was better than everyone.  I saw the real world, the way things actually were.  Things became entirely new- time, sleep, nature, the early morning, the deepest night.  Everything.  Part of me misses that time, though, where it all felt so pure and powerful and I felt so deeply connected to the Universe.  But boy, was I insufferable.  Everyone hates the self-important spiritualist.

By 2010, I was deep in regret.  My life was destroyed, I was mentally emotionally and spiritually shattered, my marriage was in ruins, and my (ex)husband had been used like a puppet for so many years he was essentially not a person anymore, so my son had parents who were really barely functional.  I was so ill in 2011 and 2012 that I don’t think I’d recognize that girl if I met her now.  It was the darkest, most frightening, most difficult time in my life, and almost no one knows it even happened.

Right now, my interaction with the dead is very narrowed.  I’m careful about how much I will filter in, who I will talk to, and how much of That Side I will let enter my mind and heart.  I wouldn’t want to go back because now I have the heard-earned “luxury” of knowing what happens when we die, how deeply I am protected and loved, and what sorts of storms I am able to survive.  I have a deep peace about death, about eternity, even about what might happen next.  I am never alone, and I am always going to be safe.  Without what I’ve been through, I could never know that with the level of certainty I have right now.  Nothing will ever be as scary or dangerous as that time in my life, and it’s what gets me through the hard times now.