I’ve been lost in a fog of head, heart, soul sickness for the last day or so, so I decided to drive to the beach.

It was 42 degrees today, so needless to say, it was ill advised and an extremely short visit, but I needed to get out of the house for a bit. I needed to see my girl.

I know I’m not well when seeing the sea doesn’t even help. I know I’m not well when the only thing I can think as I watch the waves is, “There’s no way you could drown yourself in the winter. You’d never get past the breakers. You’re too weak.”

On the way home, I called out for a friend I only see when things are really bad. Usually, he comes to me, sitting on the edge of my bed as I sob myself to sleep, when I’m in the dark dark. He’s my often silent reminder that I don’t want to give up, not yet. Even if I can just make it one more day, it will be a win.

He’s also a blunt, sarcastic person, and I am used to jabbing, jeering jokes from him most of the time. This time, he seemed concerned as he appeared in my passenger seat.

“What’s going on?” he asked, searching my face. “Are you all right?” I felt him dip in and out. “No. You’re not.”

“I don’t know, man,” I sighed. “I …” One of my favorite things about talking in meditation is that we are able to speak in visuals and emotions, and I gave him a burst of what I’d been processing. “And I guess I’m just… like, not okay.”

“Of course you’re not okay,” he said. “Are you serious?”

“I mean, first of all, these horrible images I’ve been seeing recently. I don’t understand the purpose behind it, you know? Why do I have to keep looking at it?”

He nodded. “Listen, it’s horrible, and I get it. But do you understand that like… that really happened? And you’re allowed to feel terrible trauma and terror and disgust about it. I mean, I’ve been there. I’ve seen it. It’s not… insignificant, to say the absolute least. You cannot deny it. You cannot diminish it. Not if you ever want to move past it. And I know it’s horrible, but if you’re still seeing it, you’re not done with it.”

“So why is she still with him?” I cried desperately. “How can she be?”

His head tipped thoughtfully to one side. “I mean, she… doesn’t really give a fuck about anyone, including you.” Then he hesitated, combing back through his words. “No, that’s not right. She does care about people. Intensely. But no one can tell her a single damn thing. She does whatever she wants.” He gave me a sly side-eye. “Sound familiar?”

I laughed with concession. “But like… I just. I can’t get over it. To see that, and know it doesn’t matter to her?”

“To her, it’s theatre. You are ‘just’ a human. You’re like, a single apple slice, and she’s the other three-quarters of the fruit. Your suffering is not significant to the goal she’s trying to achieve. I mean… you’re not the only one who is confused by it, but think about how aggressive you are about your goals in this life. She is…” He smiled a little and tipped his head again. “She doesn’t fail. That’s for sure.”

I smiled softly. “Yeah.”

He sat quietly, letting me rummage through my thoughts before I finally said, “Okay but like, it is hard to not want to be here at all, but to also know that no one wants me Over There. It’s so fucked up to think that no one even wants me in Our Home. In the place we all belong. Like, I-“

“Who said that?”

“Everyone!” I cried. “Ya’ll are always saying, ‘Oh you don’t want to come here, there’s so much drama and everyone is so angry.'” I cut my eyes to the passenger seat, as if he was really sitting there. “You specifically have said that.”

He laughed a little. “Okay. That’s fair. But let me point out two things. One- and I know I’ve also said this to you as well, many times- you will be so angry at yourself if you quit. You came here for a reason, and everything you’re working on both there and here will be entirely disrupted if you opt out.

“Second, I want you to also fully recognize that you will be angry at others when you get here. I think people have you convinced that you’re about to be interrogated and vilified when you get here for all of your misdeeds, as if you’ve been suddenly revealed to be the murderer in a horror movie.”

He looked over at me, his blue eyes lit up with intensity. “Understand that your life has been fucking violated, Kristyn. You know so much more than you should know. You are involved in so much shit in this life that you shouldn’t even be aware of. It’s so fucked up, it’s so so fucked up.”

He reached across the center console to grab my knee as I drove. “Do not let anyone convince you that they are blameless in this scenario. No one is without fault. And you are absolutely welcome to come Home. So many of us cannot wait for you to be here, okay? Please do not feel like you would not be wanted.” He squeezed my knee. “I personally cannot wait to see you. Okay?”

My mouth pulled to one side, neither smile nor frown. “But it just seems like… like [my oldest friend] looks at me like I’m an addict. Like all I do is siphon from him.”

He laughed out loud now, clapping his hands together. “Oh, Kristyn. Do not for one second let him make you feel any kind of way about yourself or your decisions. Not now as Kristyn, and not as Hermie either. He has fucked up so much this time around with you, and so much of his behavior is a reflection of judgement on himself.”

“But he’s like… important. He is…”

“He’s a miserable do-gooder,” he sniped with a scowl. “I mean, you probably get to see a lighter, softer side than the rest of us, but mostly, he is… not fucking fun. At. All.”

Then he waved a hand as if swatting a fly, possibly hearing something I couldn’t. “Okay, that’s not necessarily fair either. He is very good. He does not break the rules. In fact, he only breaks them when it comes to you.” He shrugged a little. “And even then? When I say that he ‘fucked things up’ for you… even saying that is so funny really because it’s like, ‘He consensually and without manipulation slept with his oneuponawife, the person who has known him longest and loves him the most?’ That’s his scandal?

He leveled his gaze at me. “He was never inappropriate while you were married. You have a few moments a year when he comes to visit. And even that is too inappropriate for him.” He held up his hands, eyes wide. “The scandal of it all. And yet, for him? It is. It actually really is.”

His eyes twinkled a little. “She exposed them both. I know it was horrible for you, but man…” He shook his head with a small, smothered laugh. “She’s… she doesn’t fucking lose, man. She is a real power player. I know people telling you that she’s ruthless makes you cringe, but I think it’s impressive. She is relentless. She cannot be defeated.”

He shot me another side-eye. “And then on the other side of that, let’s be honest- being good is boring. No one wants to say it, but it is. It means always being The Example. It means being judged to the highest degree. It is absolutely the level anyone should want to attain, but the cost is enormous.”

He smiled a knowing smile, a commiserating smile. “And Alex is fun. Alex makes you feel like you’re smarter and cooler and braver than anyone in the Universe when you break rules with him. It’s an electric adventure. Everyone has fun with him.” He winced a little, the conciliatory way his (current and former) loved ones all share. “Until you don’t.”

I focused my gaze on the road. “So… what about me?”

He grinned slyly. “You’re like you are now, mostly. Sometimes you’re a fucking ton of fun to be with- trouble, mischief, danger, adventure, hysterical laughter. And sometimes… you’re not. Cold, dark, empty, sad, listless, broken, mean.” He shrugged a little. “But I like it. It’s what I appreciate about you. You have The Balance. Honesty is a deeply underestimated gift. You’re extremely fucking real. That’s a superpower.”

I dipped my head shyly, and another long pause passed between us.

“And… Jim?” I winced, afraid to know. “What is the deal with that?”

He took a long, slow breath in and released it. “Well. I mean. Here’s the thing- and you know this about yourself- she’s super secretive. She’s holding a lot of cards right now. But if you are asking if she loves him? Yes. Absolutely.”

I shrugged. “It just seems like… I dunno. Like everyone says she’s ‘ruthless’ and just… all this with Jim has been described to me as a kind of manipulation. I’m really worried I’m going to break his heart. I’m worried she doesn’t give a fuck about him.”

He smiled softly. “She does. I promise you, I know that for sure. And Jim knows what this is. He knows that there is a very real chance that you get here and go back to all this drama you three love so much.” His mouth twisted, and his eyes did one hard roll to the edge of his vision and back. “But it also doesn’t change how she feels about him, or how you feel about him. This is a forever bond. Please don’t continue to beat yourself up for this.”

He reached over again, laying a hand on my shoulder. “I know you have this idea that you are some kind of… villain, and I don’t know why you feel that way. You’re listening to the wrong people. You should listen to Jim.” He tipped his head again, this time with a wink. “And you should obviously listen to me.”

He leaned in a little. “Do you understand the level of success you have had in your life?” He gestured to the beach houses rushing by us. “I know you’re looking at this and thinking it is success, but are you willing to be the person you’d have to be to achieve this?”

“No.”

“No. So look at your life, Kristyn. You are powerful, confident, respected, loved.” He gave me another side-eye. “And I think if you’d ask the people who love you to express that to you, they would. Gladly. It’s okay to need to be loved. It’s okay to ask to be loved. It’s okay that when you’re thirsty, you ask to be watered.” He nudged me gently. “Right?”

I wavered, my entire body playfully cringing to one side. “Ehhhhhh…..”

Right.

We’re still learning.