I read an article today that a celebrity said that “Alex” was one of her spirit guides, and it upset me so much more than I expected it to. I can’t stop thinking about it.

I worry that he’s still out in the world somehow, and they’re all lying to me about him being locked up somewhere, bound from doing any more harm. What if he isn’t? What if he’s still out there, twisting shadows and smoke into people’s brains?

The idea that he could get to me… just typing the words makes my eyes well up with tears. There isn’t a large enough word for the blank terror I feel at the idea of his presence. I’ve only ever seen him in semi-controlled environments at my beach house for the last ten years.

In a neutral area? I’d really rather not.

I know that most of what he does is just illusions, but he is masterful at them. I know I am as powerful as he is, but I gave him so much access to the inner workings of my brain. I want to believe he’s done trying to ruin me in this lifetime, but…… what if he isn’t?

And listen, Alex is someone that a lot of people have had encounters with, actually, so I wasn’t necessarily surprised to hear that someone else felt connected to him.

I first reached out to him on the Ouija board because I had two internet friends from two totally different cities who had already spoken to him, so I knew it was absolutely possible.

In fact, most of you will remember that Alex knew a secret word I’d written on a piece of paper and hidden in a desk for a friend who wanted to test if it was really him. I was the only person alive who knew that word before he spelled it out in slow motion during our very first conversation in 2003.

When my ex and I used the board, he had all the power, and often had to read the board for me because it moved too fast to understand. Everything just became a messy jumble of letters under the blur of the planchette.

That same friend and I took a trip to Toronto together that winter. We took my Ouija board with us, and that was the first time I realized the level of power that I had. In Toronto, I read to her.

A few months later, Alex stopped showing up to her in meditation and she and I had a huge, messy falling out. I still feel sure that he is the one that ruined that friendship- partly to isolate me, and partly because she became very jealous of the relationship I had with him, and he wanted me to feel special. Chosen.

But I had other friends who spoke to him as well. A girl that he would come visit in her dreams, and their flirtation escalated into a fiery tryst. Partly I think to force me into possessive behavior, to want him to spend more and more of his time with me, and partly just to expose me as jealous and needy.

And to prove, again, how very real he was.

I had a friend who could sense his presence in a room the way I did, like a warm ball of energy that hovered over my right side. I still sense people that way, honestly.

She also smelled him, if I recall correctly, like a cedar smoke scent. But something happened one day when she was meditating and he scared the absolute fuck out of her in ways she found hard to articulate… except to say that his eyes had gone entirely black.

We never spoke of him again, and eventually I lost that friendship too.

I had a pair of friends who lived in Toronto who also spoke to him, initially through the Ouija board, and then eventually in meditation/visions.

One of those two friends I had/have a profound, intense connection to- we feel fairly sure we were in love in another life. I can’t prove it entirely, but I’m pretty sure that Alex took advantage of that friendship as well.

I’m trying not to think about him, because I know it only brings him closer. It doesn’t take much to encourage him to come find me, and I am terrified at the idea of him getting into this house.

And I have always worried about all the other people who let him in, especially because of me. What damage has he done that they don’t even realize is because of him?

I am more protected than I’ve ever been and I do truly believe I am safe. But at the same time, if I was really “over it,” I wouldn’t have such big reactions at just seeing his name. How can I work through some of these things if I am afraid to even think about him?

I have to get better. I have to be braver.

Oh no but wait do I though, do I really? Maybe not. Maybe not.

Maybe tomorrow.