Yesterday, I was reminded by a friend of an old reality show that I used to watch with “Alex” fifteen years ago. I have a very specific memory tied to it, one that I was actually thinking of just the day before, seemingly out of nowhere.

My then-husband and I were staying with my parents with our newborn son, because we had a massive flea infestation that broke out while we were in and out of the hospital in that last week. My dad was on some sort of trip for work, and my mom had finally gone to bed. Alex and I were watching this show, and started sort of hooking up while watching it. To be honest, we were always on the cusp of hooking up at all times- even just holding hands somehow would turn into some sort of sexual event.

Because I’d been on bedrest, I wasn’t allowed to have orgasms (ha, like that honestly ever stopped him), and at that moment, I was full of stitches and agony. But we never could keep our hands off of each other, and he whispered in my ear that he wanted to make a bet with me that he could bring me to orgasm without ever touching me intimately.

At some point, he pulled back to look at my heavy-lidded gaze with a smirk curling the edges of his lips.

“I just love playing with you,” he murmured with a smirk. “You look at me like you’re drunk.”

It was about three or four months later when my rescinded acceptance of his ridiculous marriage proposal caused what I am now thinking of as my murder.

Obviously, I continue to live, but some sort of incredible spiritual violence took place in that beach house. One that truly altered the shape of my soul for this life, and I fear for the rest of all time. The dead themselves would not react the way they did if it wasn’t just as vile as I thought.

And honestly? I think it’s much worse than that.

Nothing was ever the same again, and I slowly became more physically and mentally ill than I’ve ever been in my entire life. And to be honest, I think the entire course of my life changed in that one night. I am still trying to heal that specific wound, even now. It’s so deep. It is so violent. It is so horrifying.

Last night I wanted to speak to my oldest friend, but took a moment to bless my chakras with palo santo before I did. I don’t really have any specific spiritual practices if I’m being honest- I just listen to whatever the Universe tells me to do in the moment, and that’s what it wanted from me last night.

So I blessed my chakras, then I meditated, during which the long, unbroken line of Light inside my body lit up like a pinball machine, rocketing through all my nerve endings.

I never could quite connect with my oldest friend, and even bitterly accused him this morning of being unable to keep his word to me that I could speak to him. To be fair, we are really only “allowed” to spend time together during very specific times of the year, or when I am in great distress. But I can still choose to be petulant about not being able to bend the Universe to my will.

This morning, someone sent me a message about a dream they’d had about me. This happens to me every so often, and honestly doesn’t even surprise me anymore. But no matter who the person is, they are always embarrassed and half-horrified that they feel so compelled to tell me, and I have to reassure them it’s really not as insane as they worry it is.

Nothing is really insane when it comes to the Universe.

Anyway. In this dream, this person solved a murder in a cave with a friend, and I came into the cave to bring her out to show her a model of a house I’d made. The foundation of the house was cracked, which told me that someone was in danger. So I tried to sneak away to help them- a person with a “K” name, who ran away to a frozen mountain for safety but got trapped there.

This person left my son with her dog as protection and followed me, only to discover a police officer was following me as well. This cop was not what he appeared, because his goal was to leave K trapped inside the frozen mountain. But I followed a logging road and found a safe passage. Then I hid under a frozen piano, but this person knew I was really hiding under music itself, and led the cop away so I could escape and save K.

This person also said that even after she woke up, she had to deliver the following messages: K did escape because of me, that the police officer who isn’t what he seems is Spanish (not Hispanic but from Spain) and can’t smell, so lavender will protect me. My son was safe with the dog- no one can touch him- and that the foundation being cracked is a blessing in disguise.

This person then proceeded to get violently ill later in the day, likely food poisoning, but it felt terribly ominous to me. I knew I was in danger before this, but now I am more than a little concerned. There have been signs all over the place that I’m being watched, but this………….

The person who sent me this message was sure it was insanity, but there are a lot of things in this dream that pluck at my ribs like a guitar string, the vibration rolling through all my bones.

The police officer that isn’t who he appears feels like my oldest friend, even though he’s not Spanish. I used to refer to him as “Detective” during the years I was still under Alex’s spell because he used to spy on me all the time, follow me around, interrogate my behavior. I understand now that it was out of terror, realizing what had happened while no one was watching, but there is also a layer that is possessive, sick, hysterical, controlling.

Especially since he thought the entire experience might “teach me a lesson,” long before he saw what actually happened at the beach house.

Hiding under music. My son being protected by a trusted family dog. Both seem like Jim- I know who is loyal and who actually protects me at all times. I know who keeps me safe.

And the person stuck in the frozen mountain? That’s me, of course. And my oldest friend would likely be okay with part of me being trapped in that mountain, honestly. It keeps me “behaved.” I must be much easier to corral if I am still not wholly whole.

It’s more upsetting to think that I am not wholly whole. Am I? Did I really save her? Or is she still frozen in ice, waiting to be resurrected?

And sure, of course, it could all just be a dream, absolutely. But for it to compel someone to message me, even though it horrified them to do so… oh, dear. I am extremely concerned. Especially when I blessed myself last night and had this enormous, sexual chakra cleansing (or reignition?).

This will be an intense autumn and an enormous solstice for me. We are slowly moving into my power season, and while I look forward to seeing what I can manifest next, I am deeply concerned for the levels of horror and trauma I am being expected to face and correct.

I’m worried that if I knew how much trouble I was really in, I would never sleep again.