Last night, my oldest friend came to me after he saw the panicked, feral state I was in, pulling me into his arms. Then he pressed his palms against my cheeks, tipping my face up so his golden eyes burned viscerally into mine.

“Can you wait for the solstice? Please?” He kissed my forehead like pouring cement into a cracked foundation, and disappeared before I could say a word.

12/21 is always the day my chrysalis opens, but I feel it especially vividly this year. I’m have no idea what it’s about to bring, and I’ve never felt this way before. That throbbing intensity, edged with increasing anxiety, is grating me into a feral state.

Final exams, to be sure.

I also didn’t realize until recently that I had an entire timeline that corresponded with the solstice. I’m not sure why it took me this long to connect the dots, to be honest. Maybe I have once before, and it’s just another thing I’ve lost over the years and found again this year.

/// The first time “Alex” came to visit through my fiancé was at the solstice (2004).

/// Then I had to try to process a surprise pregnancy at the solstice, feeling like I’d been trapped (2005).

/// We lost our house at the solstice (2009).

/// I started to finally leave my ex at the solstice (2012).

/// I put a spell on a former/forever lover at the solstice I’m not sure either one of us will ever heal from. I will never forget that night for the rest of my life… and actually think about it almost every day, even now (2013).

/// He finally closed a door on his own failure and weakness that destroyed my heart so badly it left a permanent, fatal scar. I think about that almost every day, too. I hope one day I can heal from it (2014).

/// All of that led into me realizing I had to leave him at the very next solstice. Both my calves were packed with wounds, I was drinking myself into real danger, and I could barely hold my heart any longer (2015).

/// After finally coming out of the ash from being abruptly fired, my brand new job completely restructured, sending me into the worst years of my professional life (2016).

The last two solstices have been masterwork explosions of energy, learning, growth, sensuality, past life ripples, integration into my Entire Self.

We are all locked onto this rollercoaster now.

Ready?

Click, click, click.

Here comes the crest.

I feel a little villainized all over my life? I’m trying to have grace about it and let other people’s reactions to me be entirely their own vibe, but it’s been harder than I expected lately. I really feel how alone I am these last few weeks. Not lonely, per se? But just really seeing how little real life intimacy I have, how people don’t trust me because I confide nothing in them.

“People hate you because you tell the truth,” someone said to me once. “Most people can’t handle being told exactly who they are. It’s not your fault, but people make you feel like it is.”

This is the life of a mirror, of the assassinated messenger.

It’s your own reflection you see, friend- take a hard look. I just show you the truth. It’s not my fault it aches so much to see it.

And don’t forget- Yeshua energy comes for you in the solstice as well.

Not Jesus, please understand. Jesus energy is kind and soft, holding your hand in the darkness, the Brightest Light, the Living Example, Footprints in the Sand, it was then I carried you, let the children come to me vibes.

Yeshua energy will tell you about yourself in a way that makes you feel exposed to the point of violation. Furious to be read so hard, to be seen to your deepest shadows.

How DARE you understand me better than I understand myself? And to come with very specific receipts, too? And honestly, if 2020 itself wasn’t just a constant mirror of every flaw we’ve ever had, I’m not sure what else it really was.

I pray for your clarity in the solstice. May you be shown exactly who you are. It is what I want most for everyone, including myself.

Let the Light shine upon you fully, so that you may gaze upon your entire shadow and be humbled.